new year

Here i am, ready to start another new year.  for as long as i can remember every new years, i think how this is going to be the year for me.  i want that this year, i want it bad.  i love my girls and my life is becoming more and more bearable each day.  i have adjusted to being alone for the most part.  i just need to find a companion.  i find myself clinging to any kind of male attention i can get.  i am not where i want to be, i am not happy with my body and i know if i ate better, i will feel better too.  i still don't get enough time for myself.  i love my girls and i am not ready to force them to go to bed alone.  this means no me time but i can deal with that for a little while longer.
i still wonder if i made the right decision.  it does not feel wrong but i just don't trust myself....even though i have been moved out for over a month and my heart moved on before that.  i talk to different people about relationships and all i hear are the bad stories. good guys and jerks telling me, they will never get married. will i find another person to love who will accept me for who i am?  will i be alone for the rest of my life?  will i get to have another child and feel him or her grow inside me?  i am so blessed to have the girls but i feel as if i was robbed of being able to enjoy my pregnancy.  i despised the foreign object growing inside of me, forcing me to grow up and make a ton of changes i was not ready for.  that is the past and i can not change that.  the future i am looking at is i am turning 32, i am a single mom, I'm out of shape and lazy.  i am an amazon woman who wants to find someone told her, someone who is not a bald, desperate, overweight man.  i am a beautiful woman, even with my flaws, i can find these things i know it.  i have been thinking maybe i need to turn to God to lead me there.

One Week

It is official, I have lived on my own (with girls in tow) for one week.

Wednesday was a very hard day. Now that i am not around Mike, i miss him. The fact that we were considered one for the last 4 years and now are two, is starting to sink in. When I was with Mike, I never had dreams about him, now they are flooding me like niagra. dreams that he is with someone else, even married. Last night I dreamed he married some older woman and I was so mad. In the dream i was yelling at him, 'why would you be with me for 4 years and not marry me, but meet someone and marry them that night!!' I was so mad.

I feel myself becoming stir crazy already, I'm a doer and always have been.

All new high

or low however you want to look at it. I went to the doctor for my GI problems yesterday and wieghed in at a whopping 209. YIKES! the day i gave birth i was 215, i'm not carrying twins now. my depression has lead me to eat. I find the most comfort in food and drinks, warm thick drinks to have with a cigarette. yes, i am smoking like a chimney too. so bad, i know. i am going to get through this, and once i get a little settled stop with the bad habits. i am better than this and i know i am.

the beginning

Starting at the bottom and working my way up is all about how i went from the perfect wife, perfect kids, beautiful home with a picket fence and all, to a single mom in a two bedroom apartment.
Let me start by saying, I am not here by choice but am being to embrace it more and more each day. This started about a month ago (actually four years ago when i moved in with mike). About a month ago I was so confused about where i wanted to be and how i was gonna get there. my relationship had me overly messed up and i was doing down, down, down at work. I told my boss about mental and emotional problems at home. He suggested a program through work that gives me three free visit with a therapist. Suffering for years with depression, this is something i knew i needed. I started seeing Tiana and by the end of our first session I knew what i needed to do. but i didn't, about two weeks ago, i was trying to make mike work on our relationship when he said, "why don't you see its over?" that's all it took to make it click. i had to leave and soon. i know how mike works and when he makes up his mind, no one can change it. Fine, i found an apartment and started packing. we told the girls together and they are so far fine with it. five more days of packing and i am out.

During this time i have develop what i think is an ulcer. i have horrible stomachaches and don't want to be home. i have been spending most of my time at my parents, shopping or going to doctors appointments, including three trips to the hospital.

I just cant wait to be gone now. i have realized even though i care about mike, i can not fix him and faced the fact that i don't want to, anymore. he has issues showing he cares and opening up. he strongly disagrees but i have tried so hard to fix him, i have let myself break. That is why i am starting over in area i can, including blogging.

Not possible i love the name but it is, what it is.

So here's to tonight!