its not about being right

for so long it has been a fight about who is right, who knows best? 

it was the night jp tried to drive me to a hospital.  i couldn't breathe, the pain was so bad.   i was really out of it and jp offered to get him.  the thoughts came rushing that i needed him there. but the look on his face when i watched him walk in was when i knew he didn't care.  i had become a bother, interrupting his time for support that he didn't think about giving.
that's when the real pain comes.  knowing that the end is here.  an end that is different for everyone. i gave all i could bear. 
i am ok now.  just stop and remember i care...sometimes too much

friends, not! people im better off without

When I met Danielle it was shortly after I had moved out on my own.  I was not allowing the girls to go to their dads for overnight sleepovers yet because I didn’t feel comfortable with it.  Danielle started at Jackson and sat right behind me. Next to no one, I was the only person she had to talk to.  I completely ignored for about 2 months because I got a bad vibe from her, I could tell by her phone voice and other small things that she seemed like a conceded lil bitch.  Lol.  She started befriending me and while she did this she doted on me. Complementing me and asking me personal questions. I let my guard down a lil and began helping her with work related things.  Then she started confiding in me about other people we work with, this made me think I could trust her.  She went out a lot and I had not in long time.  She finally talked me into going out for my birthday.  I figured if I went out and let the girls have a sleepover with mike, I won’t be worried or constantly thinking about them.  So we went out, I let go and had a great time.  During all this I listen to Danielle talk about everyone she was friends with behind their backs, reminded me of heather quillen.  Uck!  I reassured myself that she would never talk about me, she constantly told me she loved me and how I was different.  She always paid for everything and made sure I had a safe ride home.  She really took care of me so I began to trust her more and more.  Now during all this sitting right next to me at work was a new nerd, whom I am friends with his brother in law... blah blah.  This would become gay Dan :) this sounds soooo high school but that exactly how it is at Jackson.  Gay Dan, a nickname given by Danielle, graduated in the same class as Danielle.  (Btw, there is most dif a shorter version of this story but this is very therapeutic for me)  Dan started not talking to me at work, but sending me messages on fb.  It got to the point where he was messaging me all day.  I liked the attention; he’s a cutie pie, who wouldn’t.  He finally asked for my number because texting is much easier, ha-ha.  He texted me all the time, we stayed up talking every night till very late. He made me feel attractive and wanted something I was sure I would never feel again; after all I went through with baby daddy. Danielle knew about all of it.  Danielle and I continued to go out every Friday and Saturday that I didn’t have the girls.  So st pattys day I went out with Danielle and asked Dan to join us.  He said he was going to bed early.  I’m out at the bar with Danielle and someone from Jackson, who was also good friends with Danielle, showed up and told me about how she was talking to Dan.  I played dumb.  She said how he texted her all the time and even asked her out for drinks a few times.  The previous Friday I asked him to go out with me for drinks and he again said he was going home cuz he was tired.  This girl told me how he was at the bar the same Friday begging her to come up there.  She even said that he was going to be two bars down in just a few hours.  I was livid.  In five minutes time, she confirmed everything I thought about Dan was a huge lie.  When I asked Danielle she said she assumed it was something he did to make people think he wasn’t gay, cuz she was a hair dresser and was pretty sure he was gay.  She said all there high school friends were convinced also.  Gay Dan!  I got very angry with him and called him after a few beers and chewed him out.  He denied all of it and said it was a miss understanding.  This other girl was only saying these things because she liked him.  I gave him the benefit of the doubt and continued to be his friend.  I started confiding in Danielle about Dan and looking to her for advice.  I slowly could see she did not want to hear it.  A few weeks later Dan became distant and said he was busy and couldn’t talk or forgot to text and always fell asleep early.  Lies!  This was all in a four day period.  On the fifth day, we worked both to 8 pm and were the only ones on our floor.  This night our innocent flirted turned into something a little more.  That night I got home from work and was on fb and saw dan's relationship status had changed from “single” to “its complicated”.  Not only had this but another girl we worked with posted a picture of the roses she got from Dan.  Puke!  He ignored me all weekend, and then on Monday on his way to work he called me.  I chewed him out, called him a liar and told him I did not want people like him in my life.  We didn’t talk for a few weeks then he started kissing my butt at work and I gave in and forgave him.  After dating this girl and moving in with her, he started texting me again whenever he wasn’t with her.  While this is going on, Danielle finds out her ex, who she was still in love with, was engaged.  She never wanted to talk about it and I continued to try to get her to.  I told her how important it was to get it out.  She didn’t want to go out anymore; she went and bought a dog.  She sent me a picture on her way home and said “you are a father!”  This is our dog but I will take care of him….this was something that always made me curious.  I didn’t want the dog, she already has a friend she calls her wife, I don’t see what it has to do with me.  Anyway I went with it, thinking she really must cherish our friendship.  By summer we barely hung out but talked constantly at work.  I always threw all my Dan problems on her because she had insight and was supposed to be my best friend.  By fall I was texting with Dan almost all the time again and Danielle was still in her slump.  I got used to hanging out with Dan pelton on my weekends without the girls and was doing pretty good. Danielle invited me hang with her and her close friends at a Halloween party.  Dan had backed off a little again but I was like whatever. We were having a great time and she was texting away at the party. I saw her phone and it was gay Dan she was talking to.  I kinda flipped on her, she said they always talked because she understood him and accepted him as being gay so they got along great.  Ok, whatever, I had no claim.  This turned into the night she drank a fifth and a half.  We ended up at the bar and her ex and his fiancé were there.  We left all was fine till we got to her house (she was obsessive about always going home and sleeping in her own bed).  She was beyond drunk, crying, yelling, throwing things, and holding on to her fifth like it the only thing that mattered.  One of her other friends took her to her shower, stripped her, gave her a beer, turned off the lights and turned on a Pandora station of just SAD ballads.  She was sitting in the corner of the shower, crying hysterically saying she was going to die that way.  They would find her body, drowned in the shower.  If you care about her how could this not worry you??  Everyone said it was normal for her.  Wtf? Her friends left got her taco bell and then we all went to bed.  Danielle said she had to listen to music to sleep; she turned her iphone back to the station I called, suicide music.  She sobbed herself to sleep.  Things after that night were never the same between us.  She was still “my friend” at work, but really didn’t hear from her unless she wanted me to dog sit.  She and Dan were best buds at work and I got to where I just kept to myself for the most part.  Dan was back to texting me at his convenience.  A few months later we were all moved and separated. 

It was the night 80 tons of mercury was in a battle of the bands downtown.  I came as soon as I was

 out of work and got trashed.  Brandy and I were the only ones left standing and we were bar hoping up and down Michigan ave.  I walked down to nuthouse and saw Dan sitting inside.  I was drunk, so I was thrilled to see him.  I went in to say hi and he was with a friend and the friends’ girlfriend.  I talked for a few then left to get brandy to meet him.  When we got back, he was rude and basically ignored us.  I finally got a chance to introduce him to brandy and then it slipped, “Dan, gay Dan”.  Shit!  It was too late, he was pissed.  I was so wasted I didn’t see it, I asked him to drop me and brandy off in mason since he hadn’t had as much as us.  He was a jerk, brandy was offended by his rudeness and I got up, knocked over my chair and left my tab for him to pay.  After this I realized he was very angry with me and told me I acted like a child.  I begged for him to forgive me.  He made me feel ashamed and out of control.  He cried to Danielle and put her in between our problem.  Slowly she and I just stopped talking.  Dan forgave me and continued to use me for his own personal needs.  Once I was fired, neither of them had any reason to continue to talk to me.  She befriended me on fb and Dan only texted when he wanted someone to flirt with him while he was drinking.

Basically I believe God brought Dan around to remind me I am attractive and will find someone

again.  Danielle brought me out of slump and occupied me long enough to let me get used to the girls going to

their dads for the weekend.  I have to believe God took them away just a quickly to keep me from getting hurt anymore from there selfish personalities.

love

i have never had much luck with love.  love with my family comes easy for me and natural but when it comes to love with a man, i suck.  my first real love was easy, he couldnt get enough of me and just as much as i couldnt get enough of him.  we were young and just not ready for all the world had against us.  plus he wasnt ready to grow up, it crushed me to no end and i thought i could never love again.  as time passed i meet the father of my babies.  we had a love, not a real romantic love but we cared.  it was not my future because it ended all out of my control.
since there have been men that i meet that i was sure i was going to fall for.  of course the ones i wanted, never wanted me.  fricking friend zone.  another man that came into my life, got to know me from start as...me.  plan ole, makeup free, dressed lazy, not caring me...he found me irresistible.  this really caught my attention.  how could he have feelings for me when he wasnt seeing the made up me, he was seeing, what i consider, the boring me.  the craziest is he felt this way for a long time.  but just as everything else in my life, he was married.  i stayed away because i dont want to be the homewrecker that doesnt really want to be with him.  then there came man b, this one was someone i was rude, crude and "the boring me" around him.  after knowing him for about a year, he told me he had feelings for me.  lucky me...he was married.  again i stayed away.  both of these men ended up getting divorced and still pursued me.  why would i want to be with someone who falls in love with someone other than their wife.  not what i want. 
the last few weeks i have been feeling very lonely and when i least expect it, a friend from my past appears.  this is someone whom i confided in about my relationship with baby daddy.  someone i thought of as a very close friend, someone that i trusted.  back in my life for 2 days and he tells me he had to get away from me because he was starting to have feelings for me.  then he tells me that it was more than just feelings, he was falling in love with me.  its been almost six years and the feeling, no matter what, havent changed.  the feelings just are growing stronger and these feelings are nothing like any feelings he has ever had for anyone.  wonderful right?  wrong, once again hes married.  i explained to him that he is probably confusing love with lust.  he said that couldnt be the case because he had thought about that many times.  of course part of any relationship is sex and he has thought that through and he was sure his feeling are love.  love for a beautiful, amazing, sexy woman who any man would go gaga over.  of course im flattered but cant stop remembering his marriage.  with his confession came feelings, ones that i had for him when we were close.  after all this, he disappears, no text, no calls just like it never happened. 
no wonder im fucked in the head when it comes to men.

when?

ok so maybe i thought i had hit ground zero, wrong.  i cant let of the last five years trying to build the perfect family and failing.  i lost my job and the depression is taking over.
i read about some of the people that blog about their husband, home and children and the jealousy is overwhelming.  i had the whole package but i was not in love with my fiance.  i loved him but never felt anything back.  he has moved on with someone new and i am hurt.  he has decided to involve my children in his new life.  she has children also and they always seem to have plans to do as a family.  this kills me!!!! thats my family, thats what i couldnt fully have with him.  we never could just do things, the four of us and enjoy it. 
i am seeing a therapist and he says i need to move on, yeah buddy thats why i am here, tell me how?!!??!?  i want to still have a family but i dont want to share my kids with anyone, its hard enough sharing them with their dad which then leads me back to maybe i should have tried hardly.  that part of my life is over and i need to embrace what i have been blessed with.
i was looking to buy a house and now i dont have a job i cant do that.  the girls dont understand and just dont have in me to let them down.  i look back at my job and feel quilty, i should have tried harder and not let it beat me.  but it did in so many ways.  that job mentally and physically and emotionally took a daily toll on me.  the people, the management, the friendships, the callers, the stats, the daily worry that when i walk in the building it will be my last.  i dont have to worry about that anymore.  its done and over, that is the past and i need to move forward. 
the first step my therapist wants me to take is to start writing in a journal....ok, ill try whatever.  he tells me to buy a book that is nice looking and represents me.  ok, well i lost my job so i dont have money but yes i will go buy a journal.  i took a few stores to find something that i liked that wasnt alot.  he gave me a flyer on how to get started.  the first step is write down 12 goals i want to accomplish in the next year....really are you serious??? i dont know what im gonna do tomorrow and you want me to plan the next 12 months.  2 weeks ago i was almost suicidal, i came to him and now i have to know what i want in a year.  i wrote down about four simple ones and felt so overwhelmed i just threw down and went to bed...why cant it start easy with maybe make one goal to accomplish today, like getting out of bed before noon.

Done Almost Nothing

i dont know what it is that i feel but i feel something.  when we are together all is content, when apart all is content but something inside of me stirs to see the first three letters of his name on my phone.  its like i have been waiting all my life for whatever the text says.  normally its something mundain or stupid or just plan conversational, but once in a great while he says just a few words that make my heart race for more.  i dont look at him and feel attraction.  i do miss him when its been a few days.  i know that i would not want this man as my husband.  as many good attributes he has, there a few ones that i would find truly annoying if in a relationship with him.  i do know that i love him.  i dont know what kind of love it is.  it is one i have never felt for anyone else.  i dont have the desire to have passionate sex with him but sometimes i dream of making love to him.  its such a strange love to feel.  i dont even know what to do with it. 
sometimes he can say little things and they hurt to no end.  other times i see that look of in his eyes of admiration for another woman and boil with jealousy...but what am i jealous of?  we have a great friendship and like i said, i dont want to be with him.  he makes me laugh like no matter how i feel and sometimes i just need a simple text from him to brighten my day.  once and a while i catch myself saying im in love with him....but im not....or am i.  is the feelings that i have for him, grown adult love, a mature love?  at this point in my life i have only associated myself with men that give me that giddy feeling.  he doesnt make me feel giddy, but there are dreams, dreams where no one else around matters and i can feel his touch, his lips, his hands.  i dont yearn for it, i dont know, i think im just crazy

this is from myspace two days after my babies were born

In case you haven't heard yet, our twins baby girls were born by Caeserean section at 5:34 am on Thursday, November 9, 2006! We named them Savannah Nicole and Madison Janelle.
Savannah was the first one born, she was 4 pounds, 14 ounces, and was 19.1 inches long.
Madison was born about 30 seconds later, she was 5 pounds, 3 ounces, and was 18.9 inches long.
They are a little premature, born at 33 weeks and 6 days into the pregnancy, so they are little, and need the help of medical equipment right now, but nothing unusual for babies born that early. Twins are considered "full term" at about 38 weeks, but on average, twins are born at about 35 weeks. They are in incubators to help keep their body temperature up and keep them isolated from germs while their immune systems continue to develop, and are hooked up to oxygen machines to help their lungs continue to develop. They have a lot of monitors hooked up to them to measure their oxygen intake, their blood pressure, how many breaths they take per minute, their heart rate, all kinds of stuff. I knew what everything was and what everything meant the first day - we asked a lot of questions. It's hard to see their faces, cause they've got so many hoses and wires and stuff hooked up to them. No worries though, we've been assured that this is normal, and they're perfectly healthy, they just need to be in a controlled environment. We haven't been able to hold them yet, which is hard. They told us that maybe we'll be able to hold them tomorrow. There are doors on the incubator though, and after we scrub our hands thoroughly, we can put our hands through the doors and touch them.
I was surprised at how strong they are, and how they seem to have an understanding of what is going on. When I put my hand in, and I put my finger in their hand, they grab on, and they actually grab on surprisingly tight. And when you try to leave, they grab on tighter, like they don't want you to go. Amazing!
They have long legs like their mama. They have big feet and hands, long fingers and toes. Poor girls got their daddy's feet. But I think they got their mama's skin tone - lucky girls. They are already more tan than I am, and they've never seen the sun. I haven't been able to see their hair yet - they have little hats on to keep them warm, but Erica happened to be in the room when the nurses were cleaning them up, and she said they have light brown hair. Haven't really been able to get a good look at their eyes yet either. They've opened their eyes, but not very wide, and not for very long, and not many times. I think the light is still too much for them. They need more time to adapt.
They will have to be in the hospital for a few weeks, they can't really tell us how long yet - it depends on a lot of factors that are yet to be seen. Erica gets to come home on Monday. She's already had enough of living in the hospital. I don't blame her, it's not much fun. I finally came home tonight - felt like I'd been there for a week, but it was really only a little under two days. I'll be going back in the morning after sleeping in my bed, and getting a shower in the morning - haven't showered since Wednesday morning.
Erica is doing well. She was up and around sooner than most moms that have Caeserans. She's a little sore. I can tell she's uncomfortable, but she's handling it very well.
Hopefully I get to hold the babies tomorrow. I'm anxious to, but a little nervous. I'm 30 years old, and have never held a baby! Sounds impossible, but it's true. Maybe tomorrow's the day.
Since they will be in the hospital for a while, I think I might go back to work on Monday or Tuesday. I have almost 4 weeks of disability time built up at work, so I will take the time off when the babies are able to come home, so I can spend time with them, and help Erica take care of them for a while.
mike beard

Really??

The perfect christian man, with two boys, a wife...and I'm in love with him.  of course i am that's my life, that's my crazy mind. 
The day i met him i was on top of the world.  my first night out as a single woman, feeling good and in control.  i noticed him across the bar and he looked concerned or maybe even angry...but he was handsome and tall, so i targeted him, he was mine.  i tapped him on the back and he turned and looked at me with a frown.  i smiled at him a little leery at this point, and told him to smile.  he was taken back then smile, a very charming smile, almost scared smile.  I went to the restroom and came back and he was sitting at the bar i sat next to him and starting talking to him.  everything came smoothly, he was a christian, went to church, took care of his children, referred girls basketball....he wasn't a loser, then i saw it.  It was silver, a dark tone and sat right there on his left hand.  he told me yes he was married.  i told him that was OK, it was my luck and we continued to talk.  next thing i knew we were so close i couldn't stop myself, i kissed him.  he stopped me and we continued to talk.  the rest of the night we laughed and i just couldn't pull myself away from him.  he offered me a ride home, i wasn't ready to go home and he insisted he had to go home but he just started driving.  he drove until we were out in the middle of nowhere, he pulled off on a side road and starting kissing me.  it was blissful!  after mike i really didn't believe i would ever want anything to do with a guy or even feel comfortable enough to kiss a guy.  here i was tonguing married man on some old deserted road.  i felt like i was 15.  finally a car came and he drove me home.  he walked me in kissed me and started to leave.  he used the restroom and when he came out i remember still how distinguished he looked.  he was dressed up and stood very tall and proper, he said it was time for him to leave.  in the silence he whispered 7 numbers and said he didn't know why but he wanted me to have his # and he knew we would meet again.
i text him once or twice and his attitude was aloft, i was fine with just forgetting him and letting him go on.  he had told me how unhappy he was in marriage because his wife had cheated and he couldn't get over it.  i somehow knew God had brought us together, to show me its ok to move on and to show him he needs to stand for what he wants.
A month ago, out of no where i had vivid flash backs of the night we spent together.  i couldn't even remember his name...i searched my phone and there he was Derrick.  i dont even know if that was the correct way to spell his name.  i sent the shameful, do you remember me text, he did and said he wanted to see me again. we text for a few weeks and then up inside rose the courage to just tell him to come over.  i looked like hell, smelled like an ashtray and had a very messy post Christmas house.  he accepted and the next thing i know we were watching "Tommy boy" holding hands.  he stayed for about an hour and then came back again the next night.  Two days later he called me and "broke it off".  he wanted to be honest and pursue a happy marriage...
Here i am, texting him desperately, begging for his attention.  he does text me back now and then and like an idiot, i take it as a little hope.  i know in my heart, this is not what i want but what i see, a handsome man with no one with him, is.  i don't want to be with someone i am forcing into my life, someone that is married with children, someone that is hiding me.  i have been this girl before and i hated it then.  matter of fact, i realized i was in love with Dave last time i was stuck in this shit hole.  my girls dont need this, they dont need this mother.  i would never want them to think what i did was ok or look down on me for doing it.  2012 has something big in store for me and i really think he is the beginning of it.