new year

Here i am, ready to start another new year.  for as long as i can remember every new years, i think how this is going to be the year for me.  i want that this year, i want it bad.  i love my girls and my life is becoming more and more bearable each day.  i have adjusted to being alone for the most part.  i just need to find a companion.  i find myself clinging to any kind of male attention i can get.  i am not where i want to be, i am not happy with my body and i know if i ate better, i will feel better too.  i still don't get enough time for myself.  i love my girls and i am not ready to force them to go to bed alone.  this means no me time but i can deal with that for a little while longer.
i still wonder if i made the right decision.  it does not feel wrong but i just don't trust myself....even though i have been moved out for over a month and my heart moved on before that.  i talk to different people about relationships and all i hear are the bad stories. good guys and jerks telling me, they will never get married. will i find another person to love who will accept me for who i am?  will i be alone for the rest of my life?  will i get to have another child and feel him or her grow inside me?  i am so blessed to have the girls but i feel as if i was robbed of being able to enjoy my pregnancy.  i despised the foreign object growing inside of me, forcing me to grow up and make a ton of changes i was not ready for.  that is the past and i can not change that.  the future i am looking at is i am turning 32, i am a single mom, I'm out of shape and lazy.  i am an amazon woman who wants to find someone told her, someone who is not a bald, desperate, overweight man.  i am a beautiful woman, even with my flaws, i can find these things i know it.  i have been thinking maybe i need to turn to God to lead me there.