love

i have never had much luck with love.  love with my family comes easy for me and natural but when it comes to love with a man, i suck.  my first real love was easy, he couldnt get enough of me and just as much as i couldnt get enough of him.  we were young and just not ready for all the world had against us.  plus he wasnt ready to grow up, it crushed me to no end and i thought i could never love again.  as time passed i meet the father of my babies.  we had a love, not a real romantic love but we cared.  it was not my future because it ended all out of my control.
since there have been men that i meet that i was sure i was going to fall for.  of course the ones i wanted, never wanted me.  fricking friend zone.  another man that came into my life, got to know me from start as...me.  plan ole, makeup free, dressed lazy, not caring me...he found me irresistible.  this really caught my attention.  how could he have feelings for me when he wasnt seeing the made up me, he was seeing, what i consider, the boring me.  the craziest is he felt this way for a long time.  but just as everything else in my life, he was married.  i stayed away because i dont want to be the homewrecker that doesnt really want to be with him.  then there came man b, this one was someone i was rude, crude and "the boring me" around him.  after knowing him for about a year, he told me he had feelings for me.  lucky me...he was married.  again i stayed away.  both of these men ended up getting divorced and still pursued me.  why would i want to be with someone who falls in love with someone other than their wife.  not what i want. 
the last few weeks i have been feeling very lonely and when i least expect it, a friend from my past appears.  this is someone whom i confided in about my relationship with baby daddy.  someone i thought of as a very close friend, someone that i trusted.  back in my life for 2 days and he tells me he had to get away from me because he was starting to have feelings for me.  then he tells me that it was more than just feelings, he was falling in love with me.  its been almost six years and the feeling, no matter what, havent changed.  the feelings just are growing stronger and these feelings are nothing like any feelings he has ever had for anyone.  wonderful right?  wrong, once again hes married.  i explained to him that he is probably confusing love with lust.  he said that couldnt be the case because he had thought about that many times.  of course part of any relationship is sex and he has thought that through and he was sure his feeling are love.  love for a beautiful, amazing, sexy woman who any man would go gaga over.  of course im flattered but cant stop remembering his marriage.  with his confession came feelings, ones that i had for him when we were close.  after all this, he disappears, no text, no calls just like it never happened. 
no wonder im fucked in the head when it comes to men.