Really??

The perfect christian man, with two boys, a wife...and I'm in love with him.  of course i am that's my life, that's my crazy mind. 
The day i met him i was on top of the world.  my first night out as a single woman, feeling good and in control.  i noticed him across the bar and he looked concerned or maybe even angry...but he was handsome and tall, so i targeted him, he was mine.  i tapped him on the back and he turned and looked at me with a frown.  i smiled at him a little leery at this point, and told him to smile.  he was taken back then smile, a very charming smile, almost scared smile.  I went to the restroom and came back and he was sitting at the bar i sat next to him and starting talking to him.  everything came smoothly, he was a christian, went to church, took care of his children, referred girls basketball....he wasn't a loser, then i saw it.  It was silver, a dark tone and sat right there on his left hand.  he told me yes he was married.  i told him that was OK, it was my luck and we continued to talk.  next thing i knew we were so close i couldn't stop myself, i kissed him.  he stopped me and we continued to talk.  the rest of the night we laughed and i just couldn't pull myself away from him.  he offered me a ride home, i wasn't ready to go home and he insisted he had to go home but he just started driving.  he drove until we were out in the middle of nowhere, he pulled off on a side road and starting kissing me.  it was blissful!  after mike i really didn't believe i would ever want anything to do with a guy or even feel comfortable enough to kiss a guy.  here i was tonguing married man on some old deserted road.  i felt like i was 15.  finally a car came and he drove me home.  he walked me in kissed me and started to leave.  he used the restroom and when he came out i remember still how distinguished he looked.  he was dressed up and stood very tall and proper, he said it was time for him to leave.  in the silence he whispered 7 numbers and said he didn't know why but he wanted me to have his # and he knew we would meet again.
i text him once or twice and his attitude was aloft, i was fine with just forgetting him and letting him go on.  he had told me how unhappy he was in marriage because his wife had cheated and he couldn't get over it.  i somehow knew God had brought us together, to show me its ok to move on and to show him he needs to stand for what he wants.
A month ago, out of no where i had vivid flash backs of the night we spent together.  i couldn't even remember his name...i searched my phone and there he was Derrick.  i dont even know if that was the correct way to spell his name.  i sent the shameful, do you remember me text, he did and said he wanted to see me again. we text for a few weeks and then up inside rose the courage to just tell him to come over.  i looked like hell, smelled like an ashtray and had a very messy post Christmas house.  he accepted and the next thing i know we were watching "Tommy boy" holding hands.  he stayed for about an hour and then came back again the next night.  Two days later he called me and "broke it off".  he wanted to be honest and pursue a happy marriage...
Here i am, texting him desperately, begging for his attention.  he does text me back now and then and like an idiot, i take it as a little hope.  i know in my heart, this is not what i want but what i see, a handsome man with no one with him, is.  i don't want to be with someone i am forcing into my life, someone that is married with children, someone that is hiding me.  i have been this girl before and i hated it then.  matter of fact, i realized i was in love with Dave last time i was stuck in this shit hole.  my girls dont need this, they dont need this mother.  i would never want them to think what i did was ok or look down on me for doing it.  2012 has something big in store for me and i really think he is the beginning of it.