i have never had much luck with love. love with my family comes easy for me and natural but when it comes to love with a man, i suck. my first real love was easy, he couldnt get enough of me and just as much as i couldnt get enough of him. we were young and just not ready for all the world had against us. plus he wasnt ready to grow up, it crushed me to no end and i thought i could never love again. as time passed i meet the father of my babies. we had a love, not a real romantic love but we cared. it was not my future because it ended all out of my control.
since there have been men that i meet that i was sure i was going to fall for. of course the ones i wanted, never wanted me. fricking friend zone. another man that came into my life, got to know me from start as...me. plan ole, makeup free, dressed lazy, not caring me...he found me irresistible. this really caught my attention. how could he have feelings for me when he wasnt seeing the made up me, he was seeing, what i consider, the boring me. the craziest is he felt this way for a long time. but just as everything else in my life, he was married. i stayed away because i dont want to be the homewrecker that doesnt really want to be with him. then there came man b, this one was someone i was rude, crude and "the boring me" around him. after knowing him for about a year, he told me he had feelings for me. lucky me...he was married. again i stayed away. both of these men ended up getting divorced and still pursued me. why would i want to be with someone who falls in love with someone other than their wife. not what i want.
the last few weeks i have been feeling very lonely and when i least expect it, a friend from my past appears. this is someone whom i confided in about my relationship with baby daddy. someone i thought of as a very close friend, someone that i trusted. back in my life for 2 days and he tells me he had to get away from me because he was starting to have feelings for me. then he tells me that it was more than just feelings, he was falling in love with me. its been almost six years and the feeling, no matter what, havent changed. the feelings just are growing stronger and these feelings are nothing like any feelings he has ever had for anyone. wonderful right? wrong, once again hes married. i explained to him that he is probably confusing love with lust. he said that couldnt be the case because he had thought about that many times. of course part of any relationship is sex and he has thought that through and he was sure his feeling are love. love for a beautiful, amazing, sexy woman who any man would go gaga over. of course im flattered but cant stop remembering his marriage. with his confession came feelings, ones that i had for him when we were close. after all this, he disappears, no text, no calls just like it never happened.
no wonder im fucked in the head when it comes to men.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
when?
ok so maybe i thought i had hit ground zero, wrong. i cant let of the last five years trying to build the perfect family and failing. i lost my job and the depression is taking over.
i read about some of the people that blog about their husband, home and children and the jealousy is overwhelming. i had the whole package but i was not in love with my fiance. i loved him but never felt anything back. he has moved on with someone new and i am hurt. he has decided to involve my children in his new life. she has children also and they always seem to have plans to do as a family. this kills me!!!! thats my family, thats what i couldnt fully have with him. we never could just do things, the four of us and enjoy it.
i am seeing a therapist and he says i need to move on, yeah buddy thats why i am here, tell me how?!!??!? i want to still have a family but i dont want to share my kids with anyone, its hard enough sharing them with their dad which then leads me back to maybe i should have tried hardly. that part of my life is over and i need to embrace what i have been blessed with.
i was looking to buy a house and now i dont have a job i cant do that. the girls dont understand and just dont have in me to let them down. i look back at my job and feel quilty, i should have tried harder and not let it beat me. but it did in so many ways. that job mentally and physically and emotionally took a daily toll on me. the people, the management, the friendships, the callers, the stats, the daily worry that when i walk in the building it will be my last. i dont have to worry about that anymore. its done and over, that is the past and i need to move forward.
the first step my therapist wants me to take is to start writing in a journal....ok, ill try whatever. he tells me to buy a book that is nice looking and represents me. ok, well i lost my job so i dont have money but yes i will go buy a journal. i took a few stores to find something that i liked that wasnt alot. he gave me a flyer on how to get started. the first step is write down 12 goals i want to accomplish in the next year....really are you serious??? i dont know what im gonna do tomorrow and you want me to plan the next 12 months. 2 weeks ago i was almost suicidal, i came to him and now i have to know what i want in a year. i wrote down about four simple ones and felt so overwhelmed i just threw down and went to bed...why cant it start easy with maybe make one goal to accomplish today, like getting out of bed before noon.
i read about some of the people that blog about their husband, home and children and the jealousy is overwhelming. i had the whole package but i was not in love with my fiance. i loved him but never felt anything back. he has moved on with someone new and i am hurt. he has decided to involve my children in his new life. she has children also and they always seem to have plans to do as a family. this kills me!!!! thats my family, thats what i couldnt fully have with him. we never could just do things, the four of us and enjoy it.
i am seeing a therapist and he says i need to move on, yeah buddy thats why i am here, tell me how?!!??!? i want to still have a family but i dont want to share my kids with anyone, its hard enough sharing them with their dad which then leads me back to maybe i should have tried hardly. that part of my life is over and i need to embrace what i have been blessed with.
i was looking to buy a house and now i dont have a job i cant do that. the girls dont understand and just dont have in me to let them down. i look back at my job and feel quilty, i should have tried harder and not let it beat me. but it did in so many ways. that job mentally and physically and emotionally took a daily toll on me. the people, the management, the friendships, the callers, the stats, the daily worry that when i walk in the building it will be my last. i dont have to worry about that anymore. its done and over, that is the past and i need to move forward.
the first step my therapist wants me to take is to start writing in a journal....ok, ill try whatever. he tells me to buy a book that is nice looking and represents me. ok, well i lost my job so i dont have money but yes i will go buy a journal. i took a few stores to find something that i liked that wasnt alot. he gave me a flyer on how to get started. the first step is write down 12 goals i want to accomplish in the next year....really are you serious??? i dont know what im gonna do tomorrow and you want me to plan the next 12 months. 2 weeks ago i was almost suicidal, i came to him and now i have to know what i want in a year. i wrote down about four simple ones and felt so overwhelmed i just threw down and went to bed...why cant it start easy with maybe make one goal to accomplish today, like getting out of bed before noon.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Done Almost Nothing
i dont know what it is that i feel but i feel something. when we are together all is content, when apart all is content but something inside of me stirs to see the first three letters of his name on my phone. its like i have been waiting all my life for whatever the text says. normally its something mundain or stupid or just plan conversational, but once in a great while he says just a few words that make my heart race for more. i dont look at him and feel attraction. i do miss him when its been a few days. i know that i would not want this man as my husband. as many good attributes he has, there a few ones that i would find truly annoying if in a relationship with him. i do know that i love him. i dont know what kind of love it is. it is one i have never felt for anyone else. i dont have the desire to have passionate sex with him but sometimes i dream of making love to him. its such a strange love to feel. i dont even know what to do with it.
sometimes he can say little things and they hurt to no end. other times i see that look of in his eyes of admiration for another woman and boil with jealousy...but what am i jealous of? we have a great friendship and like i said, i dont want to be with him. he makes me laugh like no matter how i feel and sometimes i just need a simple text from him to brighten my day. once and a while i catch myself saying im in love with him....but im not....or am i. is the feelings that i have for him, grown adult love, a mature love? at this point in my life i have only associated myself with men that give me that giddy feeling. he doesnt make me feel giddy, but there are dreams, dreams where no one else around matters and i can feel his touch, his lips, his hands. i dont yearn for it, i dont know, i think im just crazy
sometimes he can say little things and they hurt to no end. other times i see that look of in his eyes of admiration for another woman and boil with jealousy...but what am i jealous of? we have a great friendship and like i said, i dont want to be with him. he makes me laugh like no matter how i feel and sometimes i just need a simple text from him to brighten my day. once and a while i catch myself saying im in love with him....but im not....or am i. is the feelings that i have for him, grown adult love, a mature love? at this point in my life i have only associated myself with men that give me that giddy feeling. he doesnt make me feel giddy, but there are dreams, dreams where no one else around matters and i can feel his touch, his lips, his hands. i dont yearn for it, i dont know, i think im just crazy
Sunday, January 8, 2012
this is from myspace two days after my babies were born
In case you haven't heard yet, our twins baby girls were born by Caeserean section at 5:34 am on Thursday, November 9, 2006! We named them Savannah Nicole and Madison Janelle.
Savannah was the first one born, she was 4 pounds, 14 ounces, and was 19.1 inches long.
Madison was born about 30 seconds later, she was 5 pounds, 3 ounces, and was 18.9 inches long.
They are a little premature, born at 33 weeks and 6 days into the pregnancy, so they are little, and need the help of medical equipment right now, but nothing unusual for babies born that early. Twins are considered "full term" at about 38 weeks, but on average, twins are born at about 35 weeks. They are in incubators to help keep their body temperature up and keep them isolated from germs while their immune systems continue to develop, and are hooked up to oxygen machines to help their lungs continue to develop. They have a lot of monitors hooked up to them to measure their oxygen intake, their blood pressure, how many breaths they take per minute, their heart rate, all kinds of stuff. I knew what everything was and what everything meant the first day - we asked a lot of questions. It's hard to see their faces, cause they've got so many hoses and wires and stuff hooked up to them. No worries though, we've been assured that this is normal, and they're perfectly healthy, they just need to be in a controlled environment. We haven't been able to hold them yet, which is hard. They told us that maybe we'll be able to hold them tomorrow. There are doors on the incubator though, and after we scrub our hands thoroughly, we can put our hands through the doors and touch them.
I was surprised at how strong they are, and how they seem to have an understanding of what is going on. When I put my hand in, and I put my finger in their hand, they grab on, and they actually grab on surprisingly tight. And when you try to leave, they grab on tighter, like they don't want you to go. Amazing!
They have long legs like their mama. They have big feet and hands, long fingers and toes. Poor girls got their daddy's feet. But I think they got their mama's skin tone - lucky girls. They are already more tan than I am, and they've never seen the sun. I haven't been able to see their hair yet - they have little hats on to keep them warm, but Erica happened to be in the room when the nurses were cleaning them up, and she said they have light brown hair. Haven't really been able to get a good look at their eyes yet either. They've opened their eyes, but not very wide, and not for very long, and not many times. I think the light is still too much for them. They need more time to adapt.
They will have to be in the hospital for a few weeks, they can't really tell us how long yet - it depends on a lot of factors that are yet to be seen. Erica gets to come home on Monday. She's already had enough of living in the hospital. I don't blame her, it's not much fun. I finally came home tonight - felt like I'd been there for a week, but it was really only a little under two days. I'll be going back in the morning after sleeping in my bed, and getting a shower in the morning - haven't showered since Wednesday morning.
Erica is doing well. She was up and around sooner than most moms that have Caeserans. She's a little sore. I can tell she's uncomfortable, but she's handling it very well.
Hopefully I get to hold the babies tomorrow. I'm anxious to, but a little nervous. I'm 30 years old, and have never held a baby! Sounds impossible, but it's true. Maybe tomorrow's the day.
Since they will be in the hospital for a while, I think I might go back to work on Monday or Tuesday. I have almost 4 weeks of disability time built up at work, so I will take the time off when the babies are able to come home, so I can spend time with them, and help Erica take care of them for a while.
mike beard
Savannah was the first one born, she was 4 pounds, 14 ounces, and was 19.1 inches long.
Madison was born about 30 seconds later, she was 5 pounds, 3 ounces, and was 18.9 inches long.
They are a little premature, born at 33 weeks and 6 days into the pregnancy, so they are little, and need the help of medical equipment right now, but nothing unusual for babies born that early. Twins are considered "full term" at about 38 weeks, but on average, twins are born at about 35 weeks. They are in incubators to help keep their body temperature up and keep them isolated from germs while their immune systems continue to develop, and are hooked up to oxygen machines to help their lungs continue to develop. They have a lot of monitors hooked up to them to measure their oxygen intake, their blood pressure, how many breaths they take per minute, their heart rate, all kinds of stuff. I knew what everything was and what everything meant the first day - we asked a lot of questions. It's hard to see their faces, cause they've got so many hoses and wires and stuff hooked up to them. No worries though, we've been assured that this is normal, and they're perfectly healthy, they just need to be in a controlled environment. We haven't been able to hold them yet, which is hard. They told us that maybe we'll be able to hold them tomorrow. There are doors on the incubator though, and after we scrub our hands thoroughly, we can put our hands through the doors and touch them.
I was surprised at how strong they are, and how they seem to have an understanding of what is going on. When I put my hand in, and I put my finger in their hand, they grab on, and they actually grab on surprisingly tight. And when you try to leave, they grab on tighter, like they don't want you to go. Amazing!
They have long legs like their mama. They have big feet and hands, long fingers and toes. Poor girls got their daddy's feet. But I think they got their mama's skin tone - lucky girls. They are already more tan than I am, and they've never seen the sun. I haven't been able to see their hair yet - they have little hats on to keep them warm, but Erica happened to be in the room when the nurses were cleaning them up, and she said they have light brown hair. Haven't really been able to get a good look at their eyes yet either. They've opened their eyes, but not very wide, and not for very long, and not many times. I think the light is still too much for them. They need more time to adapt.
They will have to be in the hospital for a few weeks, they can't really tell us how long yet - it depends on a lot of factors that are yet to be seen. Erica gets to come home on Monday. She's already had enough of living in the hospital. I don't blame her, it's not much fun. I finally came home tonight - felt like I'd been there for a week, but it was really only a little under two days. I'll be going back in the morning after sleeping in my bed, and getting a shower in the morning - haven't showered since Wednesday morning.
Erica is doing well. She was up and around sooner than most moms that have Caeserans. She's a little sore. I can tell she's uncomfortable, but she's handling it very well.
Hopefully I get to hold the babies tomorrow. I'm anxious to, but a little nervous. I'm 30 years old, and have never held a baby! Sounds impossible, but it's true. Maybe tomorrow's the day.
Since they will be in the hospital for a while, I think I might go back to work on Monday or Tuesday. I have almost 4 weeks of disability time built up at work, so I will take the time off when the babies are able to come home, so I can spend time with them, and help Erica take care of them for a while.
mike beard
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Really??
The perfect christian man, with two boys, a wife...and I'm in love with him. of course i am that's my life, that's my crazy mind.
The day i met him i was on top of the world. my first night out as a single woman, feeling good and in control. i noticed him across the bar and he looked concerned or maybe even angry...but he was handsome and tall, so i targeted him, he was mine. i tapped him on the back and he turned and looked at me with a frown. i smiled at him a little leery at this point, and told him to smile. he was taken back then smile, a very charming smile, almost scared smile. I went to the restroom and came back and he was sitting at the bar i sat next to him and starting talking to him. everything came smoothly, he was a christian, went to church, took care of his children, referred girls basketball....he wasn't a loser, then i saw it. It was silver, a dark tone and sat right there on his left hand. he told me yes he was married. i told him that was OK, it was my luck and we continued to talk. next thing i knew we were so close i couldn't stop myself, i kissed him. he stopped me and we continued to talk. the rest of the night we laughed and i just couldn't pull myself away from him. he offered me a ride home, i wasn't ready to go home and he insisted he had to go home but he just started driving. he drove until we were out in the middle of nowhere, he pulled off on a side road and starting kissing me. it was blissful! after mike i really didn't believe i would ever want anything to do with a guy or even feel comfortable enough to kiss a guy. here i was tonguing married man on some old deserted road. i felt like i was 15. finally a car came and he drove me home. he walked me in kissed me and started to leave. he used the restroom and when he came out i remember still how distinguished he looked. he was dressed up and stood very tall and proper, he said it was time for him to leave. in the silence he whispered 7 numbers and said he didn't know why but he wanted me to have his # and he knew we would meet again.
i text him once or twice and his attitude was aloft, i was fine with just forgetting him and letting him go on. he had told me how unhappy he was in marriage because his wife had cheated and he couldn't get over it. i somehow knew God had brought us together, to show me its ok to move on and to show him he needs to stand for what he wants.
A month ago, out of no where i had vivid flash backs of the night we spent together. i couldn't even remember his name...i searched my phone and there he was Derrick. i dont even know if that was the correct way to spell his name. i sent the shameful, do you remember me text, he did and said he wanted to see me again. we text for a few weeks and then up inside rose the courage to just tell him to come over. i looked like hell, smelled like an ashtray and had a very messy post Christmas house. he accepted and the next thing i know we were watching "Tommy boy" holding hands. he stayed for about an hour and then came back again the next night. Two days later he called me and "broke it off". he wanted to be honest and pursue a happy marriage...
Here i am, texting him desperately, begging for his attention. he does text me back now and then and like an idiot, i take it as a little hope. i know in my heart, this is not what i want but what i see, a handsome man with no one with him, is. i don't want to be with someone i am forcing into my life, someone that is married with children, someone that is hiding me. i have been this girl before and i hated it then. matter of fact, i realized i was in love with Dave last time i was stuck in this shit hole. my girls dont need this, they dont need this mother. i would never want them to think what i did was ok or look down on me for doing it. 2012 has something big in store for me and i really think he is the beginning of it.
The day i met him i was on top of the world. my first night out as a single woman, feeling good and in control. i noticed him across the bar and he looked concerned or maybe even angry...but he was handsome and tall, so i targeted him, he was mine. i tapped him on the back and he turned and looked at me with a frown. i smiled at him a little leery at this point, and told him to smile. he was taken back then smile, a very charming smile, almost scared smile. I went to the restroom and came back and he was sitting at the bar i sat next to him and starting talking to him. everything came smoothly, he was a christian, went to church, took care of his children, referred girls basketball....he wasn't a loser, then i saw it. It was silver, a dark tone and sat right there on his left hand. he told me yes he was married. i told him that was OK, it was my luck and we continued to talk. next thing i knew we were so close i couldn't stop myself, i kissed him. he stopped me and we continued to talk. the rest of the night we laughed and i just couldn't pull myself away from him. he offered me a ride home, i wasn't ready to go home and he insisted he had to go home but he just started driving. he drove until we were out in the middle of nowhere, he pulled off on a side road and starting kissing me. it was blissful! after mike i really didn't believe i would ever want anything to do with a guy or even feel comfortable enough to kiss a guy. here i was tonguing married man on some old deserted road. i felt like i was 15. finally a car came and he drove me home. he walked me in kissed me and started to leave. he used the restroom and when he came out i remember still how distinguished he looked. he was dressed up and stood very tall and proper, he said it was time for him to leave. in the silence he whispered 7 numbers and said he didn't know why but he wanted me to have his # and he knew we would meet again.
i text him once or twice and his attitude was aloft, i was fine with just forgetting him and letting him go on. he had told me how unhappy he was in marriage because his wife had cheated and he couldn't get over it. i somehow knew God had brought us together, to show me its ok to move on and to show him he needs to stand for what he wants.
A month ago, out of no where i had vivid flash backs of the night we spent together. i couldn't even remember his name...i searched my phone and there he was Derrick. i dont even know if that was the correct way to spell his name. i sent the shameful, do you remember me text, he did and said he wanted to see me again. we text for a few weeks and then up inside rose the courage to just tell him to come over. i looked like hell, smelled like an ashtray and had a very messy post Christmas house. he accepted and the next thing i know we were watching "Tommy boy" holding hands. he stayed for about an hour and then came back again the next night. Two days later he called me and "broke it off". he wanted to be honest and pursue a happy marriage...
Here i am, texting him desperately, begging for his attention. he does text me back now and then and like an idiot, i take it as a little hope. i know in my heart, this is not what i want but what i see, a handsome man with no one with him, is. i don't want to be with someone i am forcing into my life, someone that is married with children, someone that is hiding me. i have been this girl before and i hated it then. matter of fact, i realized i was in love with Dave last time i was stuck in this shit hole. my girls dont need this, they dont need this mother. i would never want them to think what i did was ok or look down on me for doing it. 2012 has something big in store for me and i really think he is the beginning of it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)