today was very sad for me. i have dreams about mike showing up and surprising me....which i dont get anyway i woke to two very happy four years old that it was mothers day. they reminded me all day it was my holiday.
being a single mom isnt just hard sometimes, its hard all the time. you have to grieve when you become a single mom but there is no time just for you. the grieving is a long process of pushing on day to day and handling life as it comes at you; from laundry to morals.
some days i am just sad. i cant explain it and i dont want to explain it. it just comes. sometimes it takes over me, sometimes i feel like i am a different person. it could be days in bed crying to going on binges when the kids are gone. serious binges, that take days to get over. once and a while i feel stable for four or five days, then without an ounce of hope, its ripped all away from me. now i dont mean material things or relationships, it comes and becomes a reason to die. instantly. sometimes i breakdown completely and seek others for help, but what can they do. how do i change the way i think and feel? is it religion, am i doing it all wrong? who can even tell me that?
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