the words

i have always found songs to truely express my feelings so here they are.  This one is all about Mike...

I'm gonna do it darlin'...
I could waste time tryin' the figure it out,
But I'm jumpin' in anyhow.
I've never been this far;
Didn't know love could run so deep...
Didn't know I'd lose this much sleep. - real fine place to start sara evans

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive - already gone kelly clarkson

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again - collide howie day

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.  - over you daughtry
I'm waitin' on the sun to set cause yesterday aint over yet
I started smoking cigarettes there's nothing else to do I guess
Dusty roads aint made for walking, spinning tires aint made for stoppin'
I'm giving up on love cause love's given up on me - kerosene miranda lambert

Mr. Know it all

i am a hard pill to swallow, i am harsh, honest, no filter and all in the end full of life and love.  i push a lot of the wrong buttons sometimes and it isnt something that i am proud of but it is part of who i am.  i dont try to pretend to be something else. i am just very honest
"I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." ~Marilyn Monroe
the first time i read this quote i felt real, like who i am is not a problem its not something wrong with me but rather something really special.  i can be the worst, i can be ugly and out of control but if you dont accept that and still love me, you miss out on the best of me.  the amazing Erica, the giving, loving, caring, compassionate woman. 
 Imperfection is beauty; madness is genius. And its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring. ~Marilyn Monroe
 marilyn is an icon, she was a plus size model and charmed the world, she was not perfect and even died of a drug overdose.  i can leave a legacy her on the planet.  i gave birth to perfect identical twins, not just normal twins identical.  i am beginning to think they may be one of the few in the world that are mirror twins.  i am great and full of greatness to give the world.  the problem is i am human and to be human is to error.  i will make mistakes, many of them.  i wont always act the way you want me to and i will do things that are not considered "white picket fence" but i will learn from these things and they make me a better woman.

My First single mom mothers day

today was very sad for me.  i have dreams about mike showing up and surprising me....which i dont get anyway i woke to two very happy four years old that it was mothers day.  they reminded me all day it was my holiday.
being a single mom isnt just hard sometimes, its hard all the time.  you have to grieve when you become a single mom but there is no time just for you.  the grieving is a long process of pushing on day to day and handling life as it comes at you; from laundry to morals.
some days i am just sad.  i cant explain it and i dont want to explain it.  it just comes.  sometimes it takes over me, sometimes i feel like i am a different person.  it could be days in bed crying to going on binges when the kids are gone.  serious binges, that take days to get over.  once and a while i feel stable for four or five days, then without an ounce of hope, its ripped all away from me.  now i dont mean material things or relationships, it comes and becomes a reason to die.  instantly.  sometimes i breakdown completely and seek others for help, but what can they do.  how do i change the way i think and feel?  is it religion, am i doing it all wrong?  who can even tell me that?

up then down, again and again

Some days i feel wonderful, my life completely in the arms of God and at total peace.  then the 13th my best friends dad died.  i fell asleep and had left my phone in the living and did not find out until 3 am.  i have been trying to juggle my friend, her pain, her baby, my babies, my life and everything else.  I'm getting no support from my family and that is only salt to the wound.  one week later, my ex uncles bar "the wooden nickel" burned to the ground.  many mixed emotions about that, i did not like to go there because i made many mistakes in my life and too many had to do with that bar.  on the other hand, this is my family's business, my cuz who died at 13 in 1994 was there alot when he was young and the bar was filled with family pictures and a memorial to Brad.  in one way im devastated, other way I'm glad its gone.  i have not drove out to see it yet but may do that tonight.  Dave and i spent many hours in that bars parking lot...i called his mom today and got his phone #.  she told me he is still engaged to this horrible alcoholic.  he lives in SC but this still hurt me.  i ache to feel something other than sad.  i know things could always be worse.  i feel the devil call me to go out and just sleep with anyone to feel something other than sad and lonely.  i know that will not help me in the long haul.  i am trying to be strong, i really am.  i need to cry in the arms of someone i love and trust and just be held.  the only problem is there is no one in my life for this.
God send me a angel to get me through!

lil bud

headphones are on, cant hear you!!!! blah blah blah!!!!

isnt she convenient, she happens to show the same day you stop talking to me.  weird how this works...do you think i m stupid?  i see what is happening, its just like deja vu.  that was me not that long ago.  you pursued me and now i see her.  you cant do that to people.  especially a woman who just got out of a 5 year relationship and am extremely needy.  I thought you were my friend, you asked about me and my girls and my life in general like you cared.  you acted like our friendship was important to you.  i held you dear to my heart and i grew feelings for you and your well being...and you lied, was it all a lie?  did you really care when i was upset or was it part of the plan?  is that how you pull us poor girls in?  ok maybe you are not totally to blame...i mean what kind of idiot believes there are nice guys out there. 
with that said, dont think you have got the best of me...i am like a bad penny, i will be back.  as much as you wish i am not going to disappear. get ready cuz this is just the beginning.

the moment i have waited for

ever since i started blogging, i have been doing during slow days at work.  when i moved out i wanted to start pouring everything out. 
Tonight is the first night, i am alone, in bed, on my own laptop to give it all to God in blog.
today was the first day since i moved out i have reconsider going back.  in passing pick up the girls and such i noticed dr appts, medicine bottles laying around mikes kitchen, MY old kitchen.  i went overnight from driving a brand new car and being a home owner to living in a small apartment driving a piece of shit car.  all the years i was with mike, i begged him to go to the doctor...he has a sleep disorder, he is depressed, he has horrible teeth and bad eyes.  he pays for good health insurance!  he said he didnt have the money or the time to do it.  i go to pick up my girls and walk into my old home to a clean house with happy children running around.  standing by the sink is mike, he turns and he wearing glasses.  tears filled my eyes, i pulled it back but i was so proud of him.  he looked so handsome and he was smiling.  since the day i meant mike i have only seen him smile a few times.  when he is drunk, when the girls make him laugh, or watching comedy standup.  he never smiles, he always looks sad.  he was the man i feel in love with the first month we were together but so much better.  that reminds of st. patricks day, mike and i each had plans and the girls were at a sitters.  i was standing in front of the tin can and saw a group of guys walking up and without thinkin twice i was feeling myself wishing one of them would be mike...o how i missed him and how great it would be to laugh with him.  spring is in the air and i miss my neighbors and my home and my gardens.  all the flowers and plants i planted where special to me and each held a special feeling in my heart.  i will get over this and there will be more flowers in my future.
it is what it is and its in Gods hands.
before all this there is someone i have found myself very interested in.  we will call him andy.  well andy and i talked every now and then on fb, then he gave me his # and continued to show interest in knowing me.  he tells me he wants to take things "turtle" slow.  perfect, i dont need anything more right now.  the texting increases to contact from getting out of bed until we say goodnight. his sister is in a similar situation as i and he understands how i am hurting and taking one day at a time.  rumors begin about him and other girls, he tells me they are all lies and i should know because i spend so much time txting him.  in the last week the txting slowed to almost a stop (as of right now it has stopped).  i dont think twice about it.  on the same st pattys i found myself wishing for mikes company, i talk to a girl who fills me one what my man has been doing with her in the last week....alcohol, lies and erka dont mixed.  immediately i confront him by phone, he denies all.  tells me he is home in bed and i tell him i am done.  later to find out he was two doors done at a different bar.  my heart hurt...i trusted him...what came really easy just became really hard.  not worth it.
and i am suppose to concentrate on two fours year olds.  its all too much.
i can do ANYTHING i put my mind too and i will have what i want.