its not about being right

for so long it has been a fight about who is right, who knows best? 

it was the night jp tried to drive me to a hospital.  i couldn't breathe, the pain was so bad.   i was really out of it and jp offered to get him.  the thoughts came rushing that i needed him there. but the look on his face when i watched him walk in was when i knew he didn't care.  i had become a bother, interrupting his time for support that he didn't think about giving.
that's when the real pain comes.  knowing that the end is here.  an end that is different for everyone. i gave all i could bear. 
i am ok now.  just stop and remember i care...sometimes too much

friends, not! people im better off without

When I met Danielle it was shortly after I had moved out on my own.  I was not allowing the girls to go to their dads for overnight sleepovers yet because I didn’t feel comfortable with it.  Danielle started at Jackson and sat right behind me. Next to no one, I was the only person she had to talk to.  I completely ignored for about 2 months because I got a bad vibe from her, I could tell by her phone voice and other small things that she seemed like a conceded lil bitch.  Lol.  She started befriending me and while she did this she doted on me. Complementing me and asking me personal questions. I let my guard down a lil and began helping her with work related things.  Then she started confiding in me about other people we work with, this made me think I could trust her.  She went out a lot and I had not in long time.  She finally talked me into going out for my birthday.  I figured if I went out and let the girls have a sleepover with mike, I won’t be worried or constantly thinking about them.  So we went out, I let go and had a great time.  During all this I listen to Danielle talk about everyone she was friends with behind their backs, reminded me of heather quillen.  Uck!  I reassured myself that she would never talk about me, she constantly told me she loved me and how I was different.  She always paid for everything and made sure I had a safe ride home.  She really took care of me so I began to trust her more and more.  Now during all this sitting right next to me at work was a new nerd, whom I am friends with his brother in law... blah blah.  This would become gay Dan :) this sounds soooo high school but that exactly how it is at Jackson.  Gay Dan, a nickname given by Danielle, graduated in the same class as Danielle.  (Btw, there is most dif a shorter version of this story but this is very therapeutic for me)  Dan started not talking to me at work, but sending me messages on fb.  It got to the point where he was messaging me all day.  I liked the attention; he’s a cutie pie, who wouldn’t.  He finally asked for my number because texting is much easier, ha-ha.  He texted me all the time, we stayed up talking every night till very late. He made me feel attractive and wanted something I was sure I would never feel again; after all I went through with baby daddy. Danielle knew about all of it.  Danielle and I continued to go out every Friday and Saturday that I didn’t have the girls.  So st pattys day I went out with Danielle and asked Dan to join us.  He said he was going to bed early.  I’m out at the bar with Danielle and someone from Jackson, who was also good friends with Danielle, showed up and told me about how she was talking to Dan.  I played dumb.  She said how he texted her all the time and even asked her out for drinks a few times.  The previous Friday I asked him to go out with me for drinks and he again said he was going home cuz he was tired.  This girl told me how he was at the bar the same Friday begging her to come up there.  She even said that he was going to be two bars down in just a few hours.  I was livid.  In five minutes time, she confirmed everything I thought about Dan was a huge lie.  When I asked Danielle she said she assumed it was something he did to make people think he wasn’t gay, cuz she was a hair dresser and was pretty sure he was gay.  She said all there high school friends were convinced also.  Gay Dan!  I got very angry with him and called him after a few beers and chewed him out.  He denied all of it and said it was a miss understanding.  This other girl was only saying these things because she liked him.  I gave him the benefit of the doubt and continued to be his friend.  I started confiding in Danielle about Dan and looking to her for advice.  I slowly could see she did not want to hear it.  A few weeks later Dan became distant and said he was busy and couldn’t talk or forgot to text and always fell asleep early.  Lies!  This was all in a four day period.  On the fifth day, we worked both to 8 pm and were the only ones on our floor.  This night our innocent flirted turned into something a little more.  That night I got home from work and was on fb and saw dan's relationship status had changed from “single” to “its complicated”.  Not only had this but another girl we worked with posted a picture of the roses she got from Dan.  Puke!  He ignored me all weekend, and then on Monday on his way to work he called me.  I chewed him out, called him a liar and told him I did not want people like him in my life.  We didn’t talk for a few weeks then he started kissing my butt at work and I gave in and forgave him.  After dating this girl and moving in with her, he started texting me again whenever he wasn’t with her.  While this is going on, Danielle finds out her ex, who she was still in love with, was engaged.  She never wanted to talk about it and I continued to try to get her to.  I told her how important it was to get it out.  She didn’t want to go out anymore; she went and bought a dog.  She sent me a picture on her way home and said “you are a father!”  This is our dog but I will take care of him….this was something that always made me curious.  I didn’t want the dog, she already has a friend she calls her wife, I don’t see what it has to do with me.  Anyway I went with it, thinking she really must cherish our friendship.  By summer we barely hung out but talked constantly at work.  I always threw all my Dan problems on her because she had insight and was supposed to be my best friend.  By fall I was texting with Dan almost all the time again and Danielle was still in her slump.  I got used to hanging out with Dan pelton on my weekends without the girls and was doing pretty good. Danielle invited me hang with her and her close friends at a Halloween party.  Dan had backed off a little again but I was like whatever. We were having a great time and she was texting away at the party. I saw her phone and it was gay Dan she was talking to.  I kinda flipped on her, she said they always talked because she understood him and accepted him as being gay so they got along great.  Ok, whatever, I had no claim.  This turned into the night she drank a fifth and a half.  We ended up at the bar and her ex and his fiancé were there.  We left all was fine till we got to her house (she was obsessive about always going home and sleeping in her own bed).  She was beyond drunk, crying, yelling, throwing things, and holding on to her fifth like it the only thing that mattered.  One of her other friends took her to her shower, stripped her, gave her a beer, turned off the lights and turned on a Pandora station of just SAD ballads.  She was sitting in the corner of the shower, crying hysterically saying she was going to die that way.  They would find her body, drowned in the shower.  If you care about her how could this not worry you??  Everyone said it was normal for her.  Wtf? Her friends left got her taco bell and then we all went to bed.  Danielle said she had to listen to music to sleep; she turned her iphone back to the station I called, suicide music.  She sobbed herself to sleep.  Things after that night were never the same between us.  She was still “my friend” at work, but really didn’t hear from her unless she wanted me to dog sit.  She and Dan were best buds at work and I got to where I just kept to myself for the most part.  Dan was back to texting me at his convenience.  A few months later we were all moved and separated. 

It was the night 80 tons of mercury was in a battle of the bands downtown.  I came as soon as I was

 out of work and got trashed.  Brandy and I were the only ones left standing and we were bar hoping up and down Michigan ave.  I walked down to nuthouse and saw Dan sitting inside.  I was drunk, so I was thrilled to see him.  I went in to say hi and he was with a friend and the friends’ girlfriend.  I talked for a few then left to get brandy to meet him.  When we got back, he was rude and basically ignored us.  I finally got a chance to introduce him to brandy and then it slipped, “Dan, gay Dan”.  Shit!  It was too late, he was pissed.  I was so wasted I didn’t see it, I asked him to drop me and brandy off in mason since he hadn’t had as much as us.  He was a jerk, brandy was offended by his rudeness and I got up, knocked over my chair and left my tab for him to pay.  After this I realized he was very angry with me and told me I acted like a child.  I begged for him to forgive me.  He made me feel ashamed and out of control.  He cried to Danielle and put her in between our problem.  Slowly she and I just stopped talking.  Dan forgave me and continued to use me for his own personal needs.  Once I was fired, neither of them had any reason to continue to talk to me.  She befriended me on fb and Dan only texted when he wanted someone to flirt with him while he was drinking.

Basically I believe God brought Dan around to remind me I am attractive and will find someone

again.  Danielle brought me out of slump and occupied me long enough to let me get used to the girls going to

their dads for the weekend.  I have to believe God took them away just a quickly to keep me from getting hurt anymore from there selfish personalities.