Here i am, ready to start another new year. for as long as i can remember every new years, i think how this is going to be the year for me. i want that this year, i want it bad. i love my girls and my life is becoming more and more bearable each day. i have adjusted to being alone for the most part. i just need to find a companion. i find myself clinging to any kind of male attention i can get. i am not where i want to be, i am not happy with my body and i know if i ate better, i will feel better too. i still don't get enough time for myself. i love my girls and i am not ready to force them to go to bed alone. this means no me time but i can deal with that for a little while longer.
i still wonder if i made the right decision. it does not feel wrong but i just don't trust myself....even though i have been moved out for over a month and my heart moved on before that. i talk to different people about relationships and all i hear are the bad stories. good guys and jerks telling me, they will never get married. will i find another person to love who will accept me for who i am? will i be alone for the rest of my life? will i get to have another child and feel him or her grow inside me? i am so blessed to have the girls but i feel as if i was robbed of being able to enjoy my pregnancy. i despised the foreign object growing inside of me, forcing me to grow up and make a ton of changes i was not ready for. that is the past and i can not change that. the future i am looking at is i am turning 32, i am a single mom, I'm out of shape and lazy. i am an amazon woman who wants to find someone told her, someone who is not a bald, desperate, overweight man. i am a beautiful woman, even with my flaws, i can find these things i know it. i have been thinking maybe i need to turn to God to lead me there.
