ok so maybe i thought i had hit ground zero, wrong. i cant let of the last five years trying to build the perfect family and failing. i lost my job and the depression is taking over.
i read about some of the people that blog about their husband, home and children and the jealousy is overwhelming. i had the whole package but i was not in love with my fiance. i loved him but never felt anything back. he has moved on with someone new and i am hurt. he has decided to involve my children in his new life. she has children also and they always seem to have plans to do as a family. this kills me!!!! thats my family, thats what i couldnt fully have with him. we never could just do things, the four of us and enjoy it.
i am seeing a therapist and he says i need to move on, yeah buddy thats why i am here, tell me how?!!??!? i want to still have a family but i dont want to share my kids with anyone, its hard enough sharing them with their dad which then leads me back to maybe i should have tried hardly. that part of my life is over and i need to embrace what i have been blessed with.
i was looking to buy a house and now i dont have a job i cant do that. the girls dont understand and just dont have in me to let them down. i look back at my job and feel quilty, i should have tried harder and not let it beat me. but it did in so many ways. that job mentally and physically and emotionally took a daily toll on me. the people, the management, the friendships, the callers, the stats, the daily worry that when i walk in the building it will be my last. i dont have to worry about that anymore. its done and over, that is the past and i need to move forward.
the first step my therapist wants me to take is to start writing in a journal....ok, ill try whatever. he tells me to buy a book that is nice looking and represents me. ok, well i lost my job so i dont have money but yes i will go buy a journal. i took a few stores to find something that i liked that wasnt alot. he gave me a flyer on how to get started. the first step is write down 12 goals i want to accomplish in the next year....really are you serious??? i dont know what im gonna do tomorrow and you want me to plan the next 12 months. 2 weeks ago i was almost suicidal, i came to him and now i have to know what i want in a year. i wrote down about four simple ones and felt so overwhelmed i just threw down and went to bed...why cant it start easy with maybe make one goal to accomplish today, like getting out of bed before noon.
