headphones are on, cant hear you!!!! blah blah blah!!!!
isnt she convenient, she happens to show the same day you stop talking to me. weird how this works...do you think i m stupid? i see what is happening, its just like deja vu. that was me not that long ago. you pursued me and now i see her. you cant do that to people. especially a woman who just got out of a 5 year relationship and am extremely needy. I thought you were my friend, you asked about me and my girls and my life in general like you cared. you acted like our friendship was important to you. i held you dear to my heart and i grew feelings for you and your well being...and you lied, was it all a lie? did you really care when i was upset or was it part of the plan? is that how you pull us poor girls in? ok maybe you are not totally to blame...i mean what kind of idiot believes there are nice guys out there.
with that said, dont think you have got the best of me...i am like a bad penny, i will be back. as much as you wish i am not going to disappear. get ready cuz this is just the beginning.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
the moment i have waited for
ever since i started blogging, i have been doing during slow days at work. when i moved out i wanted to start pouring everything out.
Tonight is the first night, i am alone, in bed, on my own laptop to give it all to God in blog.
today was the first day since i moved out i have reconsider going back. in passing pick up the girls and such i noticed dr appts, medicine bottles laying around mikes kitchen, MY old kitchen. i went overnight from driving a brand new car and being a home owner to living in a small apartment driving a piece of shit car. all the years i was with mike, i begged him to go to the doctor...he has a sleep disorder, he is depressed, he has horrible teeth and bad eyes. he pays for good health insurance! he said he didnt have the money or the time to do it. i go to pick up my girls and walk into my old home to a clean house with happy children running around. standing by the sink is mike, he turns and he wearing glasses. tears filled my eyes, i pulled it back but i was so proud of him. he looked so handsome and he was smiling. since the day i meant mike i have only seen him smile a few times. when he is drunk, when the girls make him laugh, or watching comedy standup. he never smiles, he always looks sad. he was the man i feel in love with the first month we were together but so much better. that reminds of st. patricks day, mike and i each had plans and the girls were at a sitters. i was standing in front of the tin can and saw a group of guys walking up and without thinkin twice i was feeling myself wishing one of them would be mike...o how i missed him and how great it would be to laugh with him. spring is in the air and i miss my neighbors and my home and my gardens. all the flowers and plants i planted where special to me and each held a special feeling in my heart. i will get over this and there will be more flowers in my future.
it is what it is and its in Gods hands.
before all this there is someone i have found myself very interested in. we will call him andy. well andy and i talked every now and then on fb, then he gave me his # and continued to show interest in knowing me. he tells me he wants to take things "turtle" slow. perfect, i dont need anything more right now. the texting increases to contact from getting out of bed until we say goodnight. his sister is in a similar situation as i and he understands how i am hurting and taking one day at a time. rumors begin about him and other girls, he tells me they are all lies and i should know because i spend so much time txting him. in the last week the txting slowed to almost a stop (as of right now it has stopped). i dont think twice about it. on the same st pattys i found myself wishing for mikes company, i talk to a girl who fills me one what my man has been doing with her in the last week....alcohol, lies and erka dont mixed. immediately i confront him by phone, he denies all. tells me he is home in bed and i tell him i am done. later to find out he was two doors done at a different bar. my heart hurt...i trusted him...what came really easy just became really hard. not worth it.
and i am suppose to concentrate on two fours year olds. its all too much.
i can do ANYTHING i put my mind too and i will have what i want.
Tonight is the first night, i am alone, in bed, on my own laptop to give it all to God in blog.
today was the first day since i moved out i have reconsider going back. in passing pick up the girls and such i noticed dr appts, medicine bottles laying around mikes kitchen, MY old kitchen. i went overnight from driving a brand new car and being a home owner to living in a small apartment driving a piece of shit car. all the years i was with mike, i begged him to go to the doctor...he has a sleep disorder, he is depressed, he has horrible teeth and bad eyes. he pays for good health insurance! he said he didnt have the money or the time to do it. i go to pick up my girls and walk into my old home to a clean house with happy children running around. standing by the sink is mike, he turns and he wearing glasses. tears filled my eyes, i pulled it back but i was so proud of him. he looked so handsome and he was smiling. since the day i meant mike i have only seen him smile a few times. when he is drunk, when the girls make him laugh, or watching comedy standup. he never smiles, he always looks sad. he was the man i feel in love with the first month we were together but so much better. that reminds of st. patricks day, mike and i each had plans and the girls were at a sitters. i was standing in front of the tin can and saw a group of guys walking up and without thinkin twice i was feeling myself wishing one of them would be mike...o how i missed him and how great it would be to laugh with him. spring is in the air and i miss my neighbors and my home and my gardens. all the flowers and plants i planted where special to me and each held a special feeling in my heart. i will get over this and there will be more flowers in my future.
it is what it is and its in Gods hands.
before all this there is someone i have found myself very interested in. we will call him andy. well andy and i talked every now and then on fb, then he gave me his # and continued to show interest in knowing me. he tells me he wants to take things "turtle" slow. perfect, i dont need anything more right now. the texting increases to contact from getting out of bed until we say goodnight. his sister is in a similar situation as i and he understands how i am hurting and taking one day at a time. rumors begin about him and other girls, he tells me they are all lies and i should know because i spend so much time txting him. in the last week the txting slowed to almost a stop (as of right now it has stopped). i dont think twice about it. on the same st pattys i found myself wishing for mikes company, i talk to a girl who fills me one what my man has been doing with her in the last week....alcohol, lies and erka dont mixed. immediately i confront him by phone, he denies all. tells me he is home in bed and i tell him i am done. later to find out he was two doors done at a different bar. my heart hurt...i trusted him...what came really easy just became really hard. not worth it.
and i am suppose to concentrate on two fours year olds. its all too much.
i can do ANYTHING i put my mind too and i will have what i want.
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