i dont know what it is that i feel but i feel something. when we are together all is content, when apart all is content but something inside of me stirs to see the first three letters of his name on my phone. its like i have been waiting all my life for whatever the text says. normally its something mundain or stupid or just plan conversational, but once in a great while he says just a few words that make my heart race for more. i dont look at him and feel attraction. i do miss him when its been a few days. i know that i would not want this man as my husband. as many good attributes he has, there a few ones that i would find truly annoying if in a relationship with him. i do know that i love him. i dont know what kind of love it is. it is one i have never felt for anyone else. i dont have the desire to have passionate sex with him but sometimes i dream of making love to him. its such a strange love to feel. i dont even know what to do with it.
sometimes he can say little things and they hurt to no end. other times i see that look of in his eyes of admiration for another woman and boil with jealousy...but what am i jealous of? we have a great friendship and like i said, i dont want to be with him. he makes me laugh like no matter how i feel and sometimes i just need a simple text from him to brighten my day. once and a while i catch myself saying im in love with him....but im not....or am i. is the feelings that i have for him, grown adult love, a mature love? at this point in my life i have only associated myself with men that give me that giddy feeling. he doesnt make me feel giddy, but there are dreams, dreams where no one else around matters and i can feel his touch, his lips, his hands. i dont yearn for it, i dont know, i think im just crazy
Friday, January 13, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
this is from myspace two days after my babies were born
In case you haven't heard yet, our twins baby girls were born by Caeserean section at 5:34 am on Thursday, November 9, 2006! We named them Savannah Nicole and Madison Janelle.
Savannah was the first one born, she was 4 pounds, 14 ounces, and was 19.1 inches long.
Madison was born about 30 seconds later, she was 5 pounds, 3 ounces, and was 18.9 inches long.
They are a little premature, born at 33 weeks and 6 days into the pregnancy, so they are little, and need the help of medical equipment right now, but nothing unusual for babies born that early. Twins are considered "full term" at about 38 weeks, but on average, twins are born at about 35 weeks. They are in incubators to help keep their body temperature up and keep them isolated from germs while their immune systems continue to develop, and are hooked up to oxygen machines to help their lungs continue to develop. They have a lot of monitors hooked up to them to measure their oxygen intake, their blood pressure, how many breaths they take per minute, their heart rate, all kinds of stuff. I knew what everything was and what everything meant the first day - we asked a lot of questions. It's hard to see their faces, cause they've got so many hoses and wires and stuff hooked up to them. No worries though, we've been assured that this is normal, and they're perfectly healthy, they just need to be in a controlled environment. We haven't been able to hold them yet, which is hard. They told us that maybe we'll be able to hold them tomorrow. There are doors on the incubator though, and after we scrub our hands thoroughly, we can put our hands through the doors and touch them.
I was surprised at how strong they are, and how they seem to have an understanding of what is going on. When I put my hand in, and I put my finger in their hand, they grab on, and they actually grab on surprisingly tight. And when you try to leave, they grab on tighter, like they don't want you to go. Amazing!
They have long legs like their mama. They have big feet and hands, long fingers and toes. Poor girls got their daddy's feet. But I think they got their mama's skin tone - lucky girls. They are already more tan than I am, and they've never seen the sun. I haven't been able to see their hair yet - they have little hats on to keep them warm, but Erica happened to be in the room when the nurses were cleaning them up, and she said they have light brown hair. Haven't really been able to get a good look at their eyes yet either. They've opened their eyes, but not very wide, and not for very long, and not many times. I think the light is still too much for them. They need more time to adapt.
They will have to be in the hospital for a few weeks, they can't really tell us how long yet - it depends on a lot of factors that are yet to be seen. Erica gets to come home on Monday. She's already had enough of living in the hospital. I don't blame her, it's not much fun. I finally came home tonight - felt like I'd been there for a week, but it was really only a little under two days. I'll be going back in the morning after sleeping in my bed, and getting a shower in the morning - haven't showered since Wednesday morning.
Erica is doing well. She was up and around sooner than most moms that have Caeserans. She's a little sore. I can tell she's uncomfortable, but she's handling it very well.
Hopefully I get to hold the babies tomorrow. I'm anxious to, but a little nervous. I'm 30 years old, and have never held a baby! Sounds impossible, but it's true. Maybe tomorrow's the day.
Since they will be in the hospital for a while, I think I might go back to work on Monday or Tuesday. I have almost 4 weeks of disability time built up at work, so I will take the time off when the babies are able to come home, so I can spend time with them, and help Erica take care of them for a while.
mike beard
Savannah was the first one born, she was 4 pounds, 14 ounces, and was 19.1 inches long.
Madison was born about 30 seconds later, she was 5 pounds, 3 ounces, and was 18.9 inches long.
They are a little premature, born at 33 weeks and 6 days into the pregnancy, so they are little, and need the help of medical equipment right now, but nothing unusual for babies born that early. Twins are considered "full term" at about 38 weeks, but on average, twins are born at about 35 weeks. They are in incubators to help keep their body temperature up and keep them isolated from germs while their immune systems continue to develop, and are hooked up to oxygen machines to help their lungs continue to develop. They have a lot of monitors hooked up to them to measure their oxygen intake, their blood pressure, how many breaths they take per minute, their heart rate, all kinds of stuff. I knew what everything was and what everything meant the first day - we asked a lot of questions. It's hard to see their faces, cause they've got so many hoses and wires and stuff hooked up to them. No worries though, we've been assured that this is normal, and they're perfectly healthy, they just need to be in a controlled environment. We haven't been able to hold them yet, which is hard. They told us that maybe we'll be able to hold them tomorrow. There are doors on the incubator though, and after we scrub our hands thoroughly, we can put our hands through the doors and touch them.
I was surprised at how strong they are, and how they seem to have an understanding of what is going on. When I put my hand in, and I put my finger in their hand, they grab on, and they actually grab on surprisingly tight. And when you try to leave, they grab on tighter, like they don't want you to go. Amazing!
They have long legs like their mama. They have big feet and hands, long fingers and toes. Poor girls got their daddy's feet. But I think they got their mama's skin tone - lucky girls. They are already more tan than I am, and they've never seen the sun. I haven't been able to see their hair yet - they have little hats on to keep them warm, but Erica happened to be in the room when the nurses were cleaning them up, and she said they have light brown hair. Haven't really been able to get a good look at their eyes yet either. They've opened their eyes, but not very wide, and not for very long, and not many times. I think the light is still too much for them. They need more time to adapt.
They will have to be in the hospital for a few weeks, they can't really tell us how long yet - it depends on a lot of factors that are yet to be seen. Erica gets to come home on Monday. She's already had enough of living in the hospital. I don't blame her, it's not much fun. I finally came home tonight - felt like I'd been there for a week, but it was really only a little under two days. I'll be going back in the morning after sleeping in my bed, and getting a shower in the morning - haven't showered since Wednesday morning.
Erica is doing well. She was up and around sooner than most moms that have Caeserans. She's a little sore. I can tell she's uncomfortable, but she's handling it very well.
Hopefully I get to hold the babies tomorrow. I'm anxious to, but a little nervous. I'm 30 years old, and have never held a baby! Sounds impossible, but it's true. Maybe tomorrow's the day.
Since they will be in the hospital for a while, I think I might go back to work on Monday or Tuesday. I have almost 4 weeks of disability time built up at work, so I will take the time off when the babies are able to come home, so I can spend time with them, and help Erica take care of them for a while.
mike beard
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Really??
The perfect christian man, with two boys, a wife...and I'm in love with him. of course i am that's my life, that's my crazy mind.
The day i met him i was on top of the world. my first night out as a single woman, feeling good and in control. i noticed him across the bar and he looked concerned or maybe even angry...but he was handsome and tall, so i targeted him, he was mine. i tapped him on the back and he turned and looked at me with a frown. i smiled at him a little leery at this point, and told him to smile. he was taken back then smile, a very charming smile, almost scared smile. I went to the restroom and came back and he was sitting at the bar i sat next to him and starting talking to him. everything came smoothly, he was a christian, went to church, took care of his children, referred girls basketball....he wasn't a loser, then i saw it. It was silver, a dark tone and sat right there on his left hand. he told me yes he was married. i told him that was OK, it was my luck and we continued to talk. next thing i knew we were so close i couldn't stop myself, i kissed him. he stopped me and we continued to talk. the rest of the night we laughed and i just couldn't pull myself away from him. he offered me a ride home, i wasn't ready to go home and he insisted he had to go home but he just started driving. he drove until we were out in the middle of nowhere, he pulled off on a side road and starting kissing me. it was blissful! after mike i really didn't believe i would ever want anything to do with a guy or even feel comfortable enough to kiss a guy. here i was tonguing married man on some old deserted road. i felt like i was 15. finally a car came and he drove me home. he walked me in kissed me and started to leave. he used the restroom and when he came out i remember still how distinguished he looked. he was dressed up and stood very tall and proper, he said it was time for him to leave. in the silence he whispered 7 numbers and said he didn't know why but he wanted me to have his # and he knew we would meet again.
i text him once or twice and his attitude was aloft, i was fine with just forgetting him and letting him go on. he had told me how unhappy he was in marriage because his wife had cheated and he couldn't get over it. i somehow knew God had brought us together, to show me its ok to move on and to show him he needs to stand for what he wants.
A month ago, out of no where i had vivid flash backs of the night we spent together. i couldn't even remember his name...i searched my phone and there he was Derrick. i dont even know if that was the correct way to spell his name. i sent the shameful, do you remember me text, he did and said he wanted to see me again. we text for a few weeks and then up inside rose the courage to just tell him to come over. i looked like hell, smelled like an ashtray and had a very messy post Christmas house. he accepted and the next thing i know we were watching "Tommy boy" holding hands. he stayed for about an hour and then came back again the next night. Two days later he called me and "broke it off". he wanted to be honest and pursue a happy marriage...
Here i am, texting him desperately, begging for his attention. he does text me back now and then and like an idiot, i take it as a little hope. i know in my heart, this is not what i want but what i see, a handsome man with no one with him, is. i don't want to be with someone i am forcing into my life, someone that is married with children, someone that is hiding me. i have been this girl before and i hated it then. matter of fact, i realized i was in love with Dave last time i was stuck in this shit hole. my girls dont need this, they dont need this mother. i would never want them to think what i did was ok or look down on me for doing it. 2012 has something big in store for me and i really think he is the beginning of it.
The day i met him i was on top of the world. my first night out as a single woman, feeling good and in control. i noticed him across the bar and he looked concerned or maybe even angry...but he was handsome and tall, so i targeted him, he was mine. i tapped him on the back and he turned and looked at me with a frown. i smiled at him a little leery at this point, and told him to smile. he was taken back then smile, a very charming smile, almost scared smile. I went to the restroom and came back and he was sitting at the bar i sat next to him and starting talking to him. everything came smoothly, he was a christian, went to church, took care of his children, referred girls basketball....he wasn't a loser, then i saw it. It was silver, a dark tone and sat right there on his left hand. he told me yes he was married. i told him that was OK, it was my luck and we continued to talk. next thing i knew we were so close i couldn't stop myself, i kissed him. he stopped me and we continued to talk. the rest of the night we laughed and i just couldn't pull myself away from him. he offered me a ride home, i wasn't ready to go home and he insisted he had to go home but he just started driving. he drove until we were out in the middle of nowhere, he pulled off on a side road and starting kissing me. it was blissful! after mike i really didn't believe i would ever want anything to do with a guy or even feel comfortable enough to kiss a guy. here i was tonguing married man on some old deserted road. i felt like i was 15. finally a car came and he drove me home. he walked me in kissed me and started to leave. he used the restroom and when he came out i remember still how distinguished he looked. he was dressed up and stood very tall and proper, he said it was time for him to leave. in the silence he whispered 7 numbers and said he didn't know why but he wanted me to have his # and he knew we would meet again.
i text him once or twice and his attitude was aloft, i was fine with just forgetting him and letting him go on. he had told me how unhappy he was in marriage because his wife had cheated and he couldn't get over it. i somehow knew God had brought us together, to show me its ok to move on and to show him he needs to stand for what he wants.
A month ago, out of no where i had vivid flash backs of the night we spent together. i couldn't even remember his name...i searched my phone and there he was Derrick. i dont even know if that was the correct way to spell his name. i sent the shameful, do you remember me text, he did and said he wanted to see me again. we text for a few weeks and then up inside rose the courage to just tell him to come over. i looked like hell, smelled like an ashtray and had a very messy post Christmas house. he accepted and the next thing i know we were watching "Tommy boy" holding hands. he stayed for about an hour and then came back again the next night. Two days later he called me and "broke it off". he wanted to be honest and pursue a happy marriage...
Here i am, texting him desperately, begging for his attention. he does text me back now and then and like an idiot, i take it as a little hope. i know in my heart, this is not what i want but what i see, a handsome man with no one with him, is. i don't want to be with someone i am forcing into my life, someone that is married with children, someone that is hiding me. i have been this girl before and i hated it then. matter of fact, i realized i was in love with Dave last time i was stuck in this shit hole. my girls dont need this, they dont need this mother. i would never want them to think what i did was ok or look down on me for doing it. 2012 has something big in store for me and i really think he is the beginning of it.
Monday, December 19, 2011
the words
i have always found songs to truely express my feelings so here they are. This one is all about Mike...
I'm gonna do it darlin'...
I could waste time tryin' the figure it out,
But I'm jumpin' in anyhow.
I've never been this far;
Didn't know love could run so deep...
Didn't know I'd lose this much sleep. - real fine place to start sara evans
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive - already gone kelly clarkson
I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again - collide howie day
Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you. - over you daughtry
I'm waitin' on the sun to set cause yesterday aint over yet
I started smoking cigarettes there's nothing else to do I guess
Dusty roads aint made for walking, spinning tires aint made for stoppin'
I'm giving up on love cause love's given up on me - kerosene miranda lambert
I'm gonna do it darlin'...
I could waste time tryin' the figure it out,
But I'm jumpin' in anyhow.
I've never been this far;
Didn't know love could run so deep...
Didn't know I'd lose this much sleep. - real fine place to start sara evans
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive - already gone kelly clarkson
I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again - collide howie day
Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you. - over you daughtry
I'm waitin' on the sun to set cause yesterday aint over yet
I started smoking cigarettes there's nothing else to do I guess
Dusty roads aint made for walking, spinning tires aint made for stoppin'
I'm giving up on love cause love's given up on me - kerosene miranda lambert
Mr. Know it all
i am a hard pill to swallow, i am harsh, honest, no filter and all in the end full of life and love. i push a lot of the wrong buttons sometimes and it isnt something that i am proud of but it is part of who i am. i dont try to pretend to be something else. i am just very honest
"I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." ~Marilyn Monroe
the first time i read this quote i felt real, like who i am is not a problem its not something wrong with me but rather something really special. i can be the worst, i can be ugly and out of control but if you dont accept that and still love me, you miss out on the best of me. the amazing Erica, the giving, loving, caring, compassionate woman.
Imperfection is beauty; madness is genius. And its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring. ~Marilyn Monroe
marilyn is an icon, she was a plus size model and charmed the world, she was not perfect and even died of a drug overdose. i can leave a legacy her on the planet. i gave birth to perfect identical twins, not just normal twins identical. i am beginning to think they may be one of the few in the world that are mirror twins. i am great and full of greatness to give the world. the problem is i am human and to be human is to error. i will make mistakes, many of them. i wont always act the way you want me to and i will do things that are not considered "white picket fence" but i will learn from these things and they make me a better woman.
"I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." ~Marilyn Monroe
the first time i read this quote i felt real, like who i am is not a problem its not something wrong with me but rather something really special. i can be the worst, i can be ugly and out of control but if you dont accept that and still love me, you miss out on the best of me. the amazing Erica, the giving, loving, caring, compassionate woman.
Imperfection is beauty; madness is genius. And its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring. ~Marilyn Monroe
marilyn is an icon, she was a plus size model and charmed the world, she was not perfect and even died of a drug overdose. i can leave a legacy her on the planet. i gave birth to perfect identical twins, not just normal twins identical. i am beginning to think they may be one of the few in the world that are mirror twins. i am great and full of greatness to give the world. the problem is i am human and to be human is to error. i will make mistakes, many of them. i wont always act the way you want me to and i will do things that are not considered "white picket fence" but i will learn from these things and they make me a better woman.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
My First single mom mothers day
today was very sad for me. i have dreams about mike showing up and surprising me....which i dont get anyway i woke to two very happy four years old that it was mothers day. they reminded me all day it was my holiday.
being a single mom isnt just hard sometimes, its hard all the time. you have to grieve when you become a single mom but there is no time just for you. the grieving is a long process of pushing on day to day and handling life as it comes at you; from laundry to morals.
some days i am just sad. i cant explain it and i dont want to explain it. it just comes. sometimes it takes over me, sometimes i feel like i am a different person. it could be days in bed crying to going on binges when the kids are gone. serious binges, that take days to get over. once and a while i feel stable for four or five days, then without an ounce of hope, its ripped all away from me. now i dont mean material things or relationships, it comes and becomes a reason to die. instantly. sometimes i breakdown completely and seek others for help, but what can they do. how do i change the way i think and feel? is it religion, am i doing it all wrong? who can even tell me that?
being a single mom isnt just hard sometimes, its hard all the time. you have to grieve when you become a single mom but there is no time just for you. the grieving is a long process of pushing on day to day and handling life as it comes at you; from laundry to morals.
some days i am just sad. i cant explain it and i dont want to explain it. it just comes. sometimes it takes over me, sometimes i feel like i am a different person. it could be days in bed crying to going on binges when the kids are gone. serious binges, that take days to get over. once and a while i feel stable for four or five days, then without an ounce of hope, its ripped all away from me. now i dont mean material things or relationships, it comes and becomes a reason to die. instantly. sometimes i breakdown completely and seek others for help, but what can they do. how do i change the way i think and feel? is it religion, am i doing it all wrong? who can even tell me that?
Friday, April 22, 2011
up then down, again and again
Some days i feel wonderful, my life completely in the arms of God and at total peace. then the 13th my best friends dad died. i fell asleep and had left my phone in the living and did not find out until 3 am. i have been trying to juggle my friend, her pain, her baby, my babies, my life and everything else. I'm getting no support from my family and that is only salt to the wound. one week later, my ex uncles bar "the wooden nickel" burned to the ground. many mixed emotions about that, i did not like to go there because i made many mistakes in my life and too many had to do with that bar. on the other hand, this is my family's business, my cuz who died at 13 in 1994 was there alot when he was young and the bar was filled with family pictures and a memorial to Brad. in one way im devastated, other way I'm glad its gone. i have not drove out to see it yet but may do that tonight. Dave and i spent many hours in that bars parking lot...i called his mom today and got his phone #. she told me he is still engaged to this horrible alcoholic. he lives in SC but this still hurt me. i ache to feel something other than sad. i know things could always be worse. i feel the devil call me to go out and just sleep with anyone to feel something other than sad and lonely. i know that will not help me in the long haul. i am trying to be strong, i really am. i need to cry in the arms of someone i love and trust and just be held. the only problem is there is no one in my life for this.
God send me a angel to get me through!
God send me a angel to get me through!
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